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【原创】九牛问津：留学文书案例剖析
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提示：文章皆为原创， 我已加入“维权骑士”的版权保护计划，版权所有，未经作者允许禁止转载，违者必究。 九牛问津团队是由真实g5及港三大硕博组成的团队，以“高质量，正三观，做清流”为核心理念，致力于提供尖端硕博士留学申请服务，旨在净化留学环境，革新力学产业。 在牛津大学系招生办工作期间可谓阅文书无数。利用这点优势，今天用我修改的实例详细剖析一下一篇优秀的文书到底应该具备哪些因素。请注意： ★ 本系列所有文章为学弟学妹提供实例，已事先获得本人同意 ★ 为防止无良中介恶意抄袭/盗用，不提供具体修改过程 一、首段 1、原文 as a person who has harbored the dream of going abroad since entering the university, i didn\'t have quite a clear mind of where i should go and why i must do this. i just wonder what the world outside looks like and will that kind of life be very different? 评价： ★ 虽然没有太多语法错误，但全是baby language ★ 使用疑问形式发问，是文书忌讳之一 ★ 完全看不出笔者的purpose和goal，是首段忌讳之一 ★ 完全看不出笔者的motivation，是首段忌讳之二 2、修改后 apart from the fancy energy self-sufficient world dipicted in science fictions, i hold the belief that building a novel energy-based society is achievable in the foreseeable future. in recent years, scientific breakthroughs have contributed to hydrogen fuel cell vehicles, solar powered mobile phones and direct thermal-to-electrical energy conversion systems, which were all beyond our imagination decades ago. since fiction is metamorphosing into reality swiftly, with the hope that i could fully participate in this transformation, i initiated my journey into the exploration of energy materials at xx university. my long-term goal is to become an expert in energy field, especially energy harvesting, storage and conversion. 评价： ★ 语言流畅，思路清晰，词汇适当，grammar error free ★ 用实例引出自己的motivation,是首段必备要素之一 ★ 简洁但清晰陈述goal，是首段必备要素之二 二、主体部分（第二段） 1、原文 i take the view that one thing my parents have passed on to me is the faith that a person should focus his/her attention and passion on one thing to be outstanding at a profession. this explains the reason why i devoted myself wholly and thoroughly to studying every subject. and i am very proud to say that my perspirations were perfectly paid off for i got gratifying scores on these subjects. for instance, i got 96% on a, 91% on b, 87% on c, and also an 87% on d. what\'s more, i was the project host of d, which has now passed the national project approval, and is one of the only two national academic projects. i got very much inspired by the contents illustrated by the knowledgeable professors and lecturers in my studies, and yielded plenty of thoughts and ideas, so i wrote a number of dissertations toconvey them. among which are the published ones such as e; f; g and h. 评价： ★ 充斥大量语法错误，不恰当词汇和baby language，句型混乱 ★ 整段都在陈述经历和背景，重复cv中的内容，是文书忌讳之二 ★ 申请master/ph.d.将学习成绩作为自身能力的证明，是文书忌讳之三 ★ 将父母作为motivation和inspiration，非常不具说服力 2、修改后 my excellent performance in major courses won me the very first opportunity to be part of a province-level research project, which focused on a. motivated by the possibilities of this undertaking, i fully immersed myself in. i spent literally the entire day conducting experiments via different testing apparatuses and running various preparation and characterization methods. the valuable research experience enlightened me that besides precision required in sample preparation and property characterization, the beauty of research lies in the mechanism revelation. i also had a first bite of novel energy storage field, especially a, which plays a critical role in the full implementation of b. 评价： ★ 主体部分直接过渡到first academic experience，无trash内容用solid evidence支撑interest/research ★ experience/internship，是文书必备要素之首 ★ 用first academic experience中的inspiration作为motivation自然过渡到 next academic experience 三、主体部分（第三段） 1、原文 during the first and second year at college, i spent all the time merely on study and got no idea what doing research means. while in the third year, i happened to meet a professor in my department, who latterly became the most influential person on my way of studying abroad. i was asked to do some simple experiments in hydrogen storage materials. after doing much initial work in this field, we got a chance to apply for a provincial-level research project. we worked so hard on preparing the application. during this process, i gradually grew interested in this study field, which, in my mind, may change the whole social energy system in the future. we finally applied for the project successfully and i was selected to be the team leader in the research group. we worked on that project for nearly one year. though the work was simple, it is totally original and we got some creative results when the project ended. the most important is that i got obsessed in asking questions and coming up with new ideas. especially when some obstacles were overcome, i felt greatlyaccomplished. that was the feeling i\'ve never had before. when my professor jiang recommended me to pursue a phd program in university of tennessee-knoxville, i was more than excited at first, while after considerable thinking, i finally refused his recommendation kindly. for one thing, i know i\'m still not ready. for another, i firmly believe i\'m more than that. 评价： ★ 将diligence作为能力，是文书忌讳之四 ★ 将自己的weakpoints在文书中展示/描述负面内容，是文书忌讳之五 ★ 对于interest/research experience/internship等问题的阐述时，仅仅陈列过程，体会，收获，而没有solid evidence支撑，是文书忌讳之首！ ★ 通过空话“吹出”ability/skills，是文书忌讳之六 ★ 通过对比对方的弱势，来显示自己的优势，是文书忌讳之七 2、修改后 desired to level up my expertise in certain field, i pursued graduate studies in an advanced xx research lab at xx university. as a research assistant, i seized every opportunity to enhance my research capability. when the a apparatus was introduced into our lab, i volunteered to assemble and manage the equipment, which afforded me a clear view of its mechanisms. therefore, when the group encountered issues related to the morphology of particles produced by the apparatus, i proposed to alter the reaction current and inner atmosphere, which significantly improved the sample quality. meanwhile, during the a analysis of b, i observed a general left-shifting of peaks in the c, which was ignored in the weekly reports. similar results after repeated experiments prompted me to rule out instrument errors as the cause. after a careful lattice constant calculation, i confirmed that this unnoticeable shifting was caused by the d. my critical thinking and rigorous attitude strengthened my competence, and i was given the go signal to start my independent research. 评价： ★ 通过solid evidence证明abilities/skills，是文书必备要素之一 ★ 通过solid evidence证明abilities/skills来solve specific problems,是文书必备要素之二 ★ 通过solid evidence证明abilities/skills给自己/团队/课题组 bring concrete benefits，是文书必备要素之三 ★ abilities/skills中强调一下“overcome obstacles”这一块，是文书必备要素之四 ★ 再次利用former experience中的accomplishment作为motivation自然过渡到 next academic experience 四、主体部分（第四段） 1、原文 i came to xx in 2012 to get more research experience. additionally, unlike my former university, it is much easier to find people harboring the same dream as me. my study field in sjtu, without question, is still xx. during the last nearly 2 years here, i met many obstacles in both life and research. i\'m always at wits\' end and cannot find a reason to further my research, let alone to study abroad. while i was always telling myself “that’s alright, just keep calm and carry on.”i got through those valleys, and now i have three papers published in a prestigious journal of my field as the first, third and fourth author, respectively. more importantly, i realize what i boast in scientific research now is more than interest. i just enjoy coming up with creative ideas and making breakthroughs in the hydrogen materials or technology. maybe, one day i will truly change the worldly energy system and make some real differences for the world. who knows? 评价： ★ 再次出现对比问题 ★ 对于战胜困难的能力体现严重不足 ★ 再次出现疑问/反问式句型 ★ 对于long-term和short-term goal没有具象化，全是抽象描述 2、修改后 to convince my supervisor of the feasibility of choosing xx as my research topic, i spent two months preparing a comprehensive research proposal. after i commenced my experiments, everything went smoothly until an a emerged during the b and blocked the c. for two weeks, this puzzle lingered. i consulted with several professors and carefully studied their suggestions. as i had developed the habit of documenting my ideas immediately, i reviewed every note until i realized that the unknown d actually originated from e. the relationship was later proved through a simulation and presented in a published paper (i was first author). this discovery, which was the deciding factor in the quality of my independent research, has shown that persistence in thinking and refusal to surrender to challenges are the keys to success. emboldened by my accomplishment, i continued my independent research on the e, a key point in its application. after successfully achieving f, as first author, i submitted another original paper. 评价： ★ 同样，对于另外一段academic experience ★ 使用了solid evidenceabilities/skills如何solve specific problems,且bring concrete benefits ★ 对于第三段acadmeic experience, 简单带过，作为supporting information ★ paper/design/books等是作为achievement最直接的证明，但不需要列出具体信息（如paper名等） 五、结尾段 1、原文 then why study in uk? as many may wonder. well, it is a long story to tell but i’d like to make things shorter. i have received the idea of developing myself as a whole person since at very young age. so, from the first year of my university life on i have traveled to many countries, such as the uk, holland and other parts in europe, to see the big world. during my trips, i met and talked with countless western people, felt various great cultures and i was deeply touched by english education when in the uk. i was being enormously amazed by how different it can be between china and the west in terms of perspectives of education. i thirsted for owning a chance to experience different academic cultures. coincidentally my sister is also studying in uk and from her i heard about many beautiful elements of this grand metropolis. i am longing for witnessing the a, b, c and d. from the deep bottom of my heart, dear uk, please take me, like a gracious teacher takes a thirst-for-learning student. i shall be all prepared to dance on this splendid international stage! 评价： ★ 大量重复繁冗内容陈述对所申请国家的向往，是结尾段忌讳之一 ★ 对比中外教育， 是结尾段忌讳之二 ★ 以认识朋友/教授/家人为申请理由是结尾段忌讳之三 ★ 恳求语气/比心跪求对方录取是结尾段忌之四 2、修改后 the department of x at x has long been dedicated to developing innovative solutions to the world’s most pressing challenges in x fields. your professors and students are committed to looking for possible sources of alternative energy while making current ones more sustainable, an endeavor that parallels my vision. there are over eight prominent professors who stay at the forefront of studying a, b and c. working with them would equip me with both subject-specific knowledge and integrative understanding across a variety of energy issues. in addition, x’s research centers, especially the a, promote energy innovations by providing university-wide interdisciplinary research and national or international collaborations. therefore, i will have more access to academic exchanges and cross-university facilities to maximize my success. i believe that with my previous excellent research background, which proved me a broadly educated and highly adaptable person, i am a promising candidate for your esteemed program. 评价： ★ program/department的goal如何与personal goal相match，是结尾段必备因素之一 ★ 罗列并评价哪些prof/course/subjects让你刚兴趣，是结尾段必备因素之二 ★ 罗列并评价其他让你动心的resources，是结尾段必备因素之三 ★ 这些prof/course/subject/resources如何助力你的long and short term goals，是结尾段必备因素之四 ★ 结尾一句话总结全文，表明申请意图，不卑不亢，完美收官。 六、其他相关文书案例详解（点击以下标题链接获取） 1、【原创】cs类文书写作的那些典型误区 2、【原创】留学文书sop/ps中难以自知的中式思维 3、【原创】申请文书中sop中的minuses 4、【原创】为什么申请文书需要diy 5、【原创】九牛问津团队留学文书修改解析 6、【原创】九牛问津团队七大特色，助力文书指导 七、联系方式 1、小木虫商家信息：九牛问津团队 2、九牛问津前端咨询微信：dy_941105 3、公众号：九牛问津 4、喜马拉雅账号：牛津学长说留学 [ Last edited by freedomzzr on 2020-8-18 at 15:11 ] |
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